Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the ...Read more

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you ...Read more

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be ...Read more

... continued from above

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a witch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Continued below...

* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

* Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

* When the ...Read more

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, ...Read more

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.

While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "...Read more

After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll ...Read more

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The ...Read more

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Johnny, you can't eat that now it has germs."

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear about and I haven't seen one ...Read more

... continued from above

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Continued below...

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Continued below...

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!"

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls ...Read more

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Dehli Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

...Read more

I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."