Q: My girlfriend travels for work, or so she told me, but I just found out she has a whole other family, including a child! I'm thinking about calling the other woman and telling her. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: Before you pick up the phone, ask yourself one question: Why am I doing this?

Are you trying to protect someone from being deceived? Or are you trying to make your ex feel the pain you're feeling?

The answer matters.

Discovering that someone you loved has been living a double life is devastating. Anger, betrayal, humiliation and the desire to expose the truth are all normal reactions. But acting while you're emotionally flooded often creates more problems than it solves. Take a breath and consider your plan of action.

The first decision you need to make has nothing to do with the other woman. It has to do with you. End the relationship. Someone who has maintained an entire second family has demonstrated a willingness to deceive you over an extended period of time. Without children or other obligations binding you together, there's no reason to continue investing in a relationship built on deception and dishonesty.

Then decide whether contacting the other woman serves a constructive purpose.

Most people would agree she deserves to know the truth, particularly if she is making important decisions based on false information. But before contacting her, make sure you have facts, not assumptions. Be prepared for the possibility that she already knows, doesn't believe you or may even blame you. Once you make that call, you can't take it back.

If your primary goal is revenge, think again. Revenge may feel satisfying in the moment, but it rarely brings the peace you're looking for, and there is a child involved here. What you say and how you handle this could affect that child's life for years to come. You may think that's your ex's problem. She was the one who made this bed, literally. But the child is innocent and deserves your consideration. Conduct yourself in a way that minimizes unnecessary harm to innocent people.

If, however, your motivation is to prevent someone else from continuing to live a lie, approach the situation with restraint and compassion. Stick to the facts. Don't exaggerate. Don't speculate. Don't recruit her to become your ally against your ex. Simply share what you know and allow her to decide what she wants to do with the information.

Good ex-etiquette isn't about protecting someone who has been dishonest. It's about refusing to let someone else's dishonesty determine your character or your choices. Do what's good for you, but don't forget to consider the innocent people (the child, in particular) whose lives will also be affected.

That's good ex-etiquette.

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