Dear Kid Whisperer,

What do you do when you know one of your kids is lying, but you don't know which one? The giant bag of chips I just bought is nearly empty, and both of my kids claim they aren't responsible. I already checked with my wife, and she didn't eat the chips, so I know one of the kids is being dishonest. This isn't about a bag of chips -- I don't care about buying another bag, but I do care about dealing with the issue of one of my kids lying to me. Do I just punish both of them?

Answer: Before I answer your question, let’s turn around a paradigm: You should not punish one kid, and you should not punish both kids. You should not punish any kid. Instead, you should use a Learning Opportunity, whereby we calmly allow kids to learn to use positive behaviors either by practicing them, or by solving the problem that they caused, or by the adult choosing to solve the problem in a way that teaches an important lesson.

Make sure you have used all of the CIA-style questioning techniques that may be effective while still not hurting your relationship with your kids. Good cop/bad cop? Light trickery? Keep in mind, this may have been a two-man chip eating operation.

If it works, and the number of suspects decreases from two to one, only use the below scenario on the guilty party.

If none of this works, here’s how I would calmly solve the problem that has been caused (by someone).

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. Someone has made me feel concerned about my stuff being stolen. That’s a problem. Don’t worry, we won’t have to go back into that empty room that you guys didn’t know we had with the two hard wooden chairs and the single light dangling from the ceiling and the two-way mirror.

Kid #1: That was weird. And the person in the corner with the Joker mask that just stared at us silently the whole time? I really think that might have been Mom.

Kid #2: I did not enjoy that.

Kid Whisperer: Moving on. Not knowing that my possessions, especially my potato chip possessions, are safe, is a problem. Do you guys know how you will solve this problem?

[pause]

Kid #1: I believe I can speak for my brother when I say that we do not.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. Since you guys don’t know how to solve it, I’m just going to solve it for you. Starting today, I’m restricting access to snacks because we’re not sure if one or both of you might eat them again.

Kid #2: But I didn’t do it!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. I don’t argue. All snacks will be locked away, and we are going to go to the store right now so that you two can buy a bag of chips with your money. We’ll call these the “test chips.” As time goes on, we’ll see if you guys can keep the chips in the bag, and can be trustworthy in all other aspects of your lives. As long as you can show that you’ve learned to be more trustworthy, you can regain full snack access. This may take weeks, months or years. It will depend on how trustworthy you both can be. If either one of you wants to let us know that it was you who ate the chips, this all changes and we’ll take it from there.

If Kid Whisperer feels that Kids #1 and #2 have had, historically, other problems with honesty, he may choose to restrict more access to his and his wife’s possessions. In this case, Kid #1 and Kid #2 may lose access to the parents’ bedroom and study, for example.

Using this procedure will maintain your relationship with your kids, will not allow taking stuff and lying about it to become a functional behavior, and will keep your potato chips safe.

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